Dr. John Gottman is a psychologist, researcher, and expert in relationship dynamics. His work has significantly influenced couples therapy and our understanding of successful relationships. The Gottman Institute has done extensive research in how relationship conflict can become stuck in unhealthy patterns of communication which can predict the end of the relationship. One of key indicators, he says, is how we use the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in conflict with our partner/s.

Let us look at these Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Criticism: The first horseman is criticism. It is essential to differentiate between expressing a complaint and criticising. A complaint focuses on specific issues, while criticism becomes a personal, attacking your partner’s character. For instance:

Complaint: “I was afraid when you were running late and did not call me. We agreed to do that for each other.”
Criticism: “You never think about how your behaviour affects others. You are selfish and never consider me!”

Criticism can pave the way for other destructive behaviours if it becomes persistent.

Contempt: The second horseman is contempt. When we communicate with contempt, we are truly mean. We disrespect, mock, ridicule, and use sarcasm. Contempt assumes moral superiority over the partner.

For example:
“You are ‘tired’? Cry me a river. I have been with the kids all day, running around like mad, and all you do is flop down on the couch like a child and play those idiotic video games. Could you be any more pathetic?”

Contempt is associated with weakened immune systems and is a significant predictor of divorce.

Defensiveness: Defensiveness is the third horseman. It involves self-protection and avoiding responsibility. Instead of listening, defensive partners often counterattack or play the victim.

Stonewalling: The fourth horseman is stonewalling. It occurs when one partner withdraws emotionally and physically during a conflict. Stonewalling can lead to emotional disconnection.

Recognising these horsemen is crucial for replacing them with healthier communication patterns. Learning new ways to communication can positively impact relationships and prevent their demise.

As Clinical Counsellor who often works with couples, if you recognise your use of any of the Horsemen, I encourage you to read the newly released “Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection.” This book, by Drs John Gottman & Julie Schwartz-Gottman will teach you how to avoid the five critical mistakes that couples often make during conflict, and instead, teach you how to ‘fight right’ and use conflict as an opportunity for greater intimacy, deeper connection, and lasting love. Yes, it is possible! All the absolute best to you, Tanya from Redcliffe Counselling 0487 844 603